I’m not very good at practicing what I preach.
Alternatively, you could say that I started this blog as a means of preaching to myself the message I need to hear most.
The road of self-reliance leads only to discontentment. The only hope worth holding onto is the saving grace of Christ.
I have a pride problem, and it’s only in recent years that I’ve been able to see this sin with any sort of clarity.
Growing up, I was what you call a “good kid.” I didn’t party, or smoke pot, or have sex like other teens I knew. I went to ballet class and did my homework. I attended youth group and volunteered as a tutor. And I reaped the benefits of this “goodness.” I made good grades and earned favor with teachers. I often had adults tell me how mature and responsible I was. My parents generally let me do what I wanted because they trusted me. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but I felt “good.”
It wasn’t until much later in life that I saw my younger self how I really was: I was prideful. I took pride in being good and being thought to be good. I felt self-righteous about how I compared to my peers. I was bad at being religious, but I figured that I wasn’t that bad a person anyway. My pride kept me from seeing my need for Jesus.
Over the years, God has worked on humbling my heart and helping me see the depths of my sin. It’s still a daily struggle not to rely on my own good works, but instead to be wholly dependent on the perfect grace of Christ.
Sometimes, that pride problem still lurks.
Sometimes, I’m able to have all my stuff together. I make freezer meals, get up in the morning without hitting snooze, and pray for everyone I say I’m going to. In those brief periods of time, I take pride in my ability to handle “it all.”
Sometimes, I have none of my things together. I wake up late, don’t open my Bible for days, and we eat cereal for dinner. In those periods of time, I blame everything and everyone but myself, too prideful to admit that I am not perfect.
It’s too easy to take pride in being a “good” Christian. “Good” student. “Good” wife. To forget that, while certain goals and habits are beneficial, they are not necessary hoops I have to jump through.
The truth is: Nothing I do, good or bad, will take me closer to or farther from God. He has already bridged the gap in His Son, and I am saved by Christ’s death on the cross and resurrection.
I wanted to start this blog as a way to share my heart as I learn to live in light of this Good News. But somehow I turned it into another one of those “things” I have to have together in order to meet my own definition of success.
For that reason, I’ve taken a break from writing, long enough for me to miss it again. I’ve decided that, for now at least, I’m only going to write when I have something in particular to say. For me, it’s far more important to keep my heart healthy than to write a post every week.
I hope this post, and other future posts, whatever the topic, encourage you to press more deeply into God’s grace, and to let go of perfectionism and pride.